worry and trust

I am not a worrier by nature, and yet I have found myself struggling with worry lately. I had my follow up appointment today with my OB, and thankfully, the pathology results on the tissue that was removed came back as a typical complete molar pregnancy.

It is good in that there was no malignancy, however, this type of molar pregnancy also carries with it a 15-20% chance of the cells returning as a cancerous type cell which would require chemotherapy. These numbers are scary, but the good news is that they will be monitoring my hormone levels so closely that the chemo takes care of it before the molar cells even have a chance to do any damage.

However, since the risks with this type of molar pregnancy are high, Dr. P (my OB), has decided to up the ante, and we are now required to avoid pregnancy for 6 months...

A little back story on us, I learned the symto-thermal method of nfp during our engagement, and I felt like I had a good handle on it, but when we ended up being extremely fertile during our honeymoon, we decided to live it up that week, and we were blessed with a little Jamaican souvenir. Then, after giving birth, I had 7 months of breastfeeding amenorrhea, and on my first cycle back, my chart was all crazy, and when Avery was 8 months old, I got a positive test with number 2! So when Lucy was 6 months old, I decided that maybe we should investigate the Creighton Model.

My temperatures have never been textbook so to speak, but my mucus pattern has always been strong, and I thought this might be a good fit for us. Well, my first cycle back, we started our first real chart, and we made a decision to cheat by a couple days, and lo and behold, positive test number three which resulted in the molar pregnancy.

So even though I have total faith in the Creighton Model and I believe in the 99% effective rate, it is still such a leap of faith. This whole situation has brought our commitment to Catholic teaching on contraception to the forefront, and I would be lying if I said I hadn't thought "man things could be so much easier..."

And then I slap myself, and I remember that God has a plan, and life is always better His way. The stakes have just never been so high for us. In the past, if we got pregnant, we were excited to add another little life to our family. Now if we get pregnant, I have to immediately start chemotherapy...

This is where my worrying brain starts to run away with me. If I started chemo, our little baby would be at risk, but the chemo would be necessary for my health so the doctrine of double effect would come into play... but then St. Gianna comes to mind, and she is a saint because of her self sacrifice. And I'm not detracting from her incredible holiness and not to glorify my own role as a mother, but what about my two little girls? If I refused the chemo for the sake of my unborn baby, and I lost my life to cancer, is that selfish to put my own life at risk and possibly deprive our daughters of a mother? Or in this thought, am I selfishly justifying my fear of what God may be asking of me.

I know I am getting way ahead of myself, and these are questions that don't need to be answered at the present time.
We just need to trust in God's way, and we need to use this time to strengthen our marriage through these periods of abstinence. We have to see this for what it truly is: A Gift. In our married life, we have never truly had to abstain for longer than a few weeks after both of our girls were born.

Perhaps God has given us this trial as a chance for growth in our marriage. A chance to grow more emotionally intimate, and a chance to grow in self giving love. There is no need to worry.
Dr. P didn't even bring up the subject of birth control today. I mentioned the Creighton Model, and she smiled and said, "I trust you." (Did I mention that I love her?)
Now we need to trust ourselves, and trust in God.

I am reading the book I Believe in Love by Father Jean C. J. d'Elbee, and it is a personal retreat based on the teaching of St. Therese of Lisieux. It is a wonderful book, and this quote perfectly speaks to my worry lately.

"The moment you realize you are worrying, make very quickly an act of confidence: 'No, Jesus, You are there: nothing - nothing - happens, not a hair falls from our heads, without your permission. I have no right to worry.' Perhaps He is sleeping in the boat, but He is there. He is always there. He is all-powerful; nothing escapes His vigilance. He watches over each one of us 'as over the apple of His eye' He is all love, all tenderness. It is really an offense against Him when we worry voluntarily about anything. That is what causes Him pain. That is what wounds His Heart more than anything else."

St. Monica, pray for us.
St. Gianna, pray for us.
Blessed Mother, pray for us.